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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Makes
Motion
Real
Floor
Time
Falls
Evanescence
Slow
Hourglass
Listening
Antique
Break
Antiques
Girl
Giant
Fall
Giants
More quotes by Dane Cook
Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
Dane Cook
I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, If you ever yell at me to stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
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You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.
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I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
Dane Cook
There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.
Dane Cook
That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
Dane Cook
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
Dane Cook
I live my life like there's no yesterday.
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When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
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I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.
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People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
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It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
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You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
Dane Cook
I would love to have acidy spit.
Dane Cook
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
Dane Cook
Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
Dane Cook
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
Dane Cook