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A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Even
Gets
Like
Days
Accident
Stop
Fault
Light
Accidents
Persons
Red
Back
Faults
Person
Car
Looks
Couple

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Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
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I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
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I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.
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You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
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Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
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I won't take no for a question.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
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I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
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Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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