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I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
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Turntables

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There's estrogen running through my veins!
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
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I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
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Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
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If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
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Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
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I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
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I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
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Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
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It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
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I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
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