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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Skinny
Tied
Bringing
Ties
Wearing
Balls
Around
Back

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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
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You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.
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I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
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When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
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They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
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It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
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I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
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When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...
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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
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I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
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I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
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There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.
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