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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Thinking
Drunk
Drive
Prison
Please
Help
Helping
Escaping
Needs
Clothings
Think
Clothing
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There's estrogen running through my veins!
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You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
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I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
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We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
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Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!
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I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
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I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.
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I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
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If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
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Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
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Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
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I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.
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