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You can't teach an old hater new truths.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Teach
Hater
Truths

More quotes by Dane Cook

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I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, If you ever yell at me to stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off.
Dane Cook
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
Dane Cook
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
Dane Cook
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
Dane Cook
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Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
Dane Cook
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
Dane Cook
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When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.
Dane Cook
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Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
Dane Cook
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
Dane Cook
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Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
Dane Cook
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People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
Dane Cook
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When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
Dane Cook
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You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
Dane Cook
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
Dane Cook
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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
Dane Cook
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I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
Dane Cook
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A lot of comics are kind of vampire types we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.
Dane Cook
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I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.
Dane Cook
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I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
Dane Cook
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I would love to have acidy spit.
Dane Cook