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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Thinking
Ukulele
Beating
Sound
Funny
Death
Someone
Would
Think

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I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
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You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.
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I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
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I would love to have acidy spit.
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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
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Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?
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We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
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I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
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I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
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Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
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