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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Death
Someone
Would
Think
Thinking
Ukulele
Beating
Sound
Funny
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
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I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
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When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.
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Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
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I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
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Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.
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Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
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When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
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Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
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I live my life like there's no yesterday.
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I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
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You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.
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Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.
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You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
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I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
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It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
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I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
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I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.
Dane Cook
