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Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Right
Never
Moron
Thinking
Lifelong
Like
Text
Bed
Says
Guy
Speak

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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
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I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
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Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
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You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.
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I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.
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I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
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I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
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Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
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You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
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I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
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When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
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Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
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