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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Racist
President
Black
More quotes by Dane Cook
I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
Dane Cook
Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
Dane Cook
When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.
Dane Cook
The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
Dane Cook
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not
Dane Cook
I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
Dane Cook
Are there glass shards in my anus?!
Dane Cook
If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
Dane Cook
I would love to have acidy spit.
Dane Cook
When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
Dane Cook
Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
Dane Cook
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
Dane Cook
I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
Dane Cook
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
Dane Cook
If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.
Dane Cook
When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
Dane Cook
There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.
Dane Cook
I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
Dane Cook
You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.
Dane Cook
Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
Dane Cook