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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Racist
President
Black
More quotes by Dane Cook
There's estrogen running through my veins!
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
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It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
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My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
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Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
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Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!
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When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
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I would love to have acidy spit.
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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
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There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
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People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
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You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
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I won't take no for a question.
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