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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Sometimes
Giants
Like
Date
Disclaimer
Routine
Disclaimers
Girlfriend
Girlfriends
Comedian
Comedians
Definitely
Exes
Find
Giant
Come
Warning

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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
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When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
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I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
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I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
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I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
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I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, If you ever yell at me to stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off.
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Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
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