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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Comedian
Comedians
Definitely
Exes
Find
Giant
Come
Warning
Sometimes
Giants
Like
Date
Disclaimer
Routine
Disclaimers
Girlfriend
Girlfriends
More quotes by Dane Cook
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
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I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.
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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
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Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night - and be your own self.
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You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
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When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
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It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
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I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
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Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
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