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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Girlfriend
Girlfriends
Comedian
Comedians
Definitely
Exes
Find
Giant
Come
Warning
Sometimes
Giants
Like
Date
Disclaimer
Routine
Disclaimers

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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
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I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
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I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
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I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, If you ever yell at me to stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off.
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Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?
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They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
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I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
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My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
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You can't teach an old hater new truths.
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Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
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I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
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Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
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