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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Audience
Funny
Crab
Crabs
Chased
Giant
Giants
Laughing
More quotes by Dane Cook
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Dane Cook
My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
Dane Cook
Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
Dane Cook
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
Dane Cook
I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
Dane Cook
I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.
Dane Cook
Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.
Dane Cook
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
Dane Cook
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
Dane Cook
Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.
Dane Cook
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!
Dane Cook
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
Dane Cook
I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
Dane Cook
You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
Dane Cook
I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
Dane Cook
If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
Dane Cook
When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
Dane Cook
I would love to have acidy spit.
Dane Cook
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
Dane Cook
The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
Dane Cook
