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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Giants
Laughing
Audience
Funny
Crab
Crabs
Chased
Giant

More quotes by Dane Cook

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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
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Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
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There's estrogen running through my veins!
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I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
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Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
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It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
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I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
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I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.
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I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
Dane Cook
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A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!
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I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
Dane Cook