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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Giants
Laughing
Audience
Funny
Crab
Crabs
Chased
Giant

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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
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Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
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I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
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Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.
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That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
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I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
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When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
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I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
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I get so into the moment.
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Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
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I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.
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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
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Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
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You can't teach an old hater new truths.
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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
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It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
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