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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Giant
Giants
Laughing
Audience
Funny
Crab
Crabs
Chased

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You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.
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I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
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I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
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I get so into the moment.
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I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
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I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.
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If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
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I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Dane Cook