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I'm a late-night guy.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Late
Guy
Night

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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
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When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...
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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
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It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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You can't teach an old hater new truths.
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
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I won't take no for a question.
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You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
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When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
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