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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Take
Shits
Painful
Cry
Gonna
Lying

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Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
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If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
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I would love to have acidy spit.
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I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
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Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not
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When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
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When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
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Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
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I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
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