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I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Vegas
Telling
Saying
Everybody

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I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
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I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
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There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.
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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
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I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
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When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
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I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.
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You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
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When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
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Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
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