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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Anything
Even
Muffin
Muffins
English

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I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.
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There's estrogen running through my veins!
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I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
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When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
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I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
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You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
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I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
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When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
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On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.
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I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
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I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
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Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
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When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
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I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
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