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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Muffins
English
Anything
Even
Muffin

More quotes by Dane Cook

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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
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When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
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You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.
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I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.
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Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.
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I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, If you ever yell at me to stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off.
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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
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It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
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They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
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I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
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Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
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Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.
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I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
Dane Cook