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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Muffin
Muffins
English
Anything
Even

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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
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I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
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A lot of comics are kind of vampire types we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.
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I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
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Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
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It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
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You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.
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I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.
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Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
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People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
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If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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