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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Muffin
Muffins
English
Anything
Even

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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
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When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
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You can't teach an old hater new truths.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.
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I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.
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I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
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I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
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I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
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I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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I would love to have acidy spit.
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
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I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
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There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
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