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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Muffin
Muffins
English
Anything
Even

More quotes by Dane Cook

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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
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I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
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There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.
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Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
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Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
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Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
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I would love to have acidy spit.
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
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Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
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I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
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When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
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