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Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Drinking
Really
Time
Think
Thinking
Cab
Fare
Taxi
Drunk

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It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
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I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
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I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
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I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
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I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
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If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night - and be your own self.
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When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
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Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
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Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
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Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
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Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.
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I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
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I'm a late-night guy.
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Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
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Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
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I live my life like there's no yesterday.
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