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Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Drunk
Drinking
Really
Time
Think
Thinking
Cab
Fare
Taxi

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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.
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I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
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I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
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Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
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I live my life like there's no yesterday.
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When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...
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You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
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I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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I get so into the moment.
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I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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