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Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Taxi
Drunk
Drinking
Really
Time
Think
Thinking
Cab
Fare

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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
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Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.
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Are there glass shards in my anus?!
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When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
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You can't teach an old hater new truths.
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I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
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I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
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It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
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Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
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I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not all but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.
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If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
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You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
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Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
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Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.
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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
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