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When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Director
Directors
Writer
Comedy
Stand
Sometimes
Bouncer
Producer
Producers

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Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.
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My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
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I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, If you ever yell at me to stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.
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Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
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Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
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If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
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Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
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Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...
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I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
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Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
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I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
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I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
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