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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
Dane Cook
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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Folks
Jail
Worked
Immediately
Brother
Passed
Months
Horrible
Within
Cancer
Lost
Nine
Away
Dad
Stole
Money
Mom
Betrayal
More quotes by Dane Cook
On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
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Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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I get so into the moment.
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Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
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Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
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You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.
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When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
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I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
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Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
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I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
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I won't take no for a question.
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You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
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Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?
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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
Dane Cook
I live my life like there's no yesterday.
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