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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Write
True
Better
Writing
Essentially
Really
Script
Make
Jokes
Works
Times

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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
Dana Gould
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Dana Gould
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Dana Gould
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Dana Gould
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
Dana Gould
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
Dana Gould
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
Dana Gould
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
Dana Gould
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
Dana Gould
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Dana Gould