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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Make
Jokes
Works
Times
Write
True
Better
Writing
Essentially
Really
Script
More quotes by Dana Gould
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Dana Gould
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Dana Gould
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Dana Gould
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Dana Gould
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
Dana Gould
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Dana Gould
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
Dana Gould
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
Dana Gould
Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
Dana Gould
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
Dana Gould
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
Dana Gould
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
Dana Gould
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Dana Gould
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
Dana Gould
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
Dana Gould
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
Dana Gould
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Dana Gould
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Dana Gould