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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Disappointment
Called
Bigs
Another
Lumped
Girlfriends
Exes
Neurotic
Girlfriend

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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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