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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Girlfriend
Disappointment
Called
Bigs
Another
Lumped
Girlfriends
Exes
Neurotic

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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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