Quote

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Exactly
Devil
Leotards
Hell
Pitchfork
Went
Pitchforks
Fire
Cave
Thought
Caves
Really
Idiot
Would
Red

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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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