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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Would
Red
Exactly
Devil
Leotards
Hell
Pitchfork
Went
Pitchforks
Fire
Cave
Thought
Caves
Really
Idiot

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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Dana Gould