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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thought
Caves
Really
Idiot
Would
Red
Exactly
Devil
Leotards
Hell
Pitchfork
Went
Pitchforks
Fire
Cave
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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