Quote

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Really
Idiot
Would
Red
Exactly
Devil
Leotards
Hell
Pitchfork
Went
Pitchforks
Fire
Cave
Thought
Caves

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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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