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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Ability
Stills
Walnuts
Still
Condom
Look
Muscle
Looks
Muscles
Like
Tone
Develop
Full
More quotes by Dana Gould
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
Dana Gould
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Dana Gould
My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
Dana Gould
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
Dana Gould
Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
Dana Gould
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
Dana Gould
I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
Dana Gould
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Dana Gould
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Dana Gould
I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
Dana Gould
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
Dana Gould
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
Dana Gould
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Dana Gould
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Dana Gould
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
Dana Gould
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
Dana Gould
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Dana Gould
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
Dana Gould