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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Snakes
Intimacy
Mean
Phobia

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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Dana Gould
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
Dana Gould
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
Dana Gould
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Dana Gould
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
Dana Gould
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
Dana Gould