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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Snakes
Intimacy
Mean
Phobia

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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
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