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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Eating
Like
Diabetes
Cotton
Cloud
Candy
Clouds

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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
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