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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Times
Paris
Thought
Bars
Many
Name
Never
Either
Seen
Names
Tango
Lasts
Candy
Last
Whoever

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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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