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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Best
Chronic
Dying
Takes
Head
Alone
Fear
Away
Part
Lice

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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
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