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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Takes
Head
Alone
Fear
Away
Part
Lice
Best
Chronic
Dying

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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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