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The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Fear
Away
Part
Lice
Best
Chronic
Dying
Takes
Head
Alone

More quotes by Dana Gould

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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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