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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Shirts
Wear
Half
Come
Always
People

More quotes by Dana Gould

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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
Dana Gould
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
Dana Gould
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
Dana Gould
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
Dana Gould
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
Dana Gould
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Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
Dana Gould
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
Dana Gould
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Dana Gould
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
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The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
Dana Gould
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Dana Gould
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
Dana Gould
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
Dana Gould
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
Dana Gould