Quote

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Life
Scream
Pants
Noise
Perfect
Chihuahuas
Persons
Shits
Person
Chihuahua
Every
Screams
Time
Pet

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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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Competition is the death of art.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
Dana Gould