Quote

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Noise
Perfect
Chihuahuas
Persons
Shits
Person
Chihuahua
Every
Screams
Time
Pet
Life
Scream
Pants

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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
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I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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