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Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
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More quotes by Dana Gould

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Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
Dana Gould
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Dana Gould
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Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Dana Gould
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
Dana Gould
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
Dana Gould
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
Dana Gould
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They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
Dana Gould
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If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
Dana Gould
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If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Dana Gould
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
Dana Gould
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Dana Gould
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
Dana Gould
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Dana Gould
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
Dana Gould
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Dana Gould
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Dana Gould
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
Dana Gould
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Dana Gould
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Dana Gould