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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Muppet
Anxiety
Instead
Show
Shows
Life
Like
Muppets

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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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