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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Instead
Show
Shows
Life
Like
Muppets
Muppet
Anxiety

More quotes by Dana Gould

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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
Dana Gould
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.
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The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Dana Gould
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Dana Gould
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Dana Gould
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Dana Gould
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
Dana Gould
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For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Dana Gould
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
Dana Gould