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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Slowly
Count
Experiences
Ten
Begin
Positive
Told
Back

More quotes by Dana Gould

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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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Competition is the death of art.
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As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
Dana Gould
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould