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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Back
Slowly
Count
Experiences
Ten
Begin
Positive
Told

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My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
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If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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Competition is the death of art.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
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There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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