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Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Next
Movies
Three
Maybe
Stories
Stars
Story
Lasts
Last
Shitty
War
Wars
Tell
Star

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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
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The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
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Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Dana Gould