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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Full
Elephant
Head
Claimed
Actually
Skulls
Bigs
Turkeys
Dream
Turkey
Men
Elephants
Like
Shaped
Dreams
Skull
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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
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Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
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Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
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I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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