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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Thing
Knives
Like
Search
Bring
Looking
Perfect
Next
Pumpkins
Women
Pumpkin
Home
Knife

More quotes by Dana Gould

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If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.
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How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Dana Gould
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
Dana Gould