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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Home
Knife
Thing
Knives
Like
Search
Bring
Looking
Perfect
Next
Pumpkins
Women
Pumpkin

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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
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Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
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If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
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Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
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Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
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Love is like pancreatitis it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
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New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
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Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
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Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
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I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
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