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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
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Pumpkins
Women
Pumpkin
Knife
Home
Knives
Thing
Search
Like
Bring
Looking
Perfect

More quotes by Dana Gould

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One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
Dana Gould
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Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Dana Gould
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
Dana Gould
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Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Dana Gould
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Dana Gould
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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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Competition is the death of art.
Dana Gould
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To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
Dana Gould
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If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?
Dana Gould
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If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
Dana Gould
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
Dana Gould
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Dana Gould
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Dana Gould
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Dana Gould
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
Dana Gould
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I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Dana Gould
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My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
Dana Gould