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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Looking
Perfect
Next
Pumpkins
Women
Pumpkin
Home
Knife
Thing
Knives
Like
Search
Bring

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People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
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You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
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Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.
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