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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
Dana Gould
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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Perfect
Next
Pumpkins
Women
Pumpkin
Home
Knife
Thing
Knives
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Search
Bring
Looking
More quotes by Dana Gould
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
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If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
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I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
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Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
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I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road you don't want to live on that road.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
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Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
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Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
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Competition is the death of art.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
Dana Gould