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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Bring
Looking
Perfect
Next
Pumpkins
Women
Pumpkin
Home
Knife
Thing
Knives
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If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
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It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
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Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
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Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
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Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
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Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
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I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
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Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
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Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
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How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
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