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Women are like pumpkins you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Dana Gould

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Dana Gould
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: August 24
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Writer
Hopedale
Massachusetts
Dana John Gould
Dana J. Gould
Perfect
Next
Pumpkins
Women
Pumpkin
Home
Knife
Thing
Knives
Like
Search
Bring
Looking

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Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
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That which does not kill you isn't finished.
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I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
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What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
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Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
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Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
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I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.
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The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
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Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
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Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
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The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
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Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
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Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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